Baking Better Communication

 

Bakers stick a toothpick in the center to see if the cake is done. In marriage, this is the pulse check. Just because the outside looks golden brown doesn't mean the inside isn't still raw. This is similar to communication in a marriage. I sometimes look at other couples and see that their marriage looks "perfect". However, their communication may be falling apart on the inside.

When I first got married, I thought, "How can I have the best communication in my marriage?" David Burns wrote a book titled, "The Five Secrets of Effective Communication", that dives deep into the needs of proper communication in a relationship. These steps are the instructions from the recipe that I was looking for.

First, is the disarming technique. When I'm using the disarming technique, it is when I am searching for statements of truth in my spouse's comments or thoughts. For example, my husband and I have had a disagreement about where we want to settle down and live one day. However, I was able to connect with him as I found truth in the statements he was giving me. We were able to talk about the truths that we had both found in our ideas.

Another step is finding empathy. This is extremely important when you're discussing with your spouse. I believe that with empathy and acknowledging the other's emotions, we are better able to connect and trust each other. I have noticed in my relationships, when I ignore what they may be feeling, those individuals do not feel as comfortable or vulnerable to elaborating on those thoughts and feelings. This creates an environment where both individuals in the relationship can feel safe and trust that they have value in the decisions.

Next, is the step of inquiry. This involves asking probing questions to fully understand each other. I know that when someone asks me questions about my thoughts, I feel as though they care. It ties in so nicely with empathy, as it creates an environment where better conversation and brainstorming can occur. It also gives an opportunity to clarify questions that I may have about the other person's ideas.

An important step is using "I feel" statements. Now, these were the biggest change for me. These are statements that focus on how I am feeling about a situation or problem, rather than forcing the focus on the other individual. It is so easy to naturally start saying phrases such as, "You made me want to cry" or "Why do you always leave the cupboards open?". These statements create a feeling of attack towards the other person. However, as we focus on how we are feeling and expressing what is happening to us during that situation, it creates a conversation of remedy, rather than accusations.

Lastly, is showing respect. I said it once, and I'll say it again, this builds the feeling of safety and comfort within the relationship. Why would I go to my husband to discuss a disagreement or frustration if I don't feel seen or heard by him? I wouldn't. Respect proves to my spouse that I want to work with him, and not against him. I'm better able to communicate with my husband as we both show love and trust for each other.

All these steps lead to my relationship today. As I continue to "stick my toothpick into the batter", I'm better able to make my relationship better. My husband and I are able to talk about all topics, big or small. We are able to still feel each other's love even if we don't necessarily agree with each other at that moment. Communication is the key to working together. Therefore, if we don't focus on each other throughout these five steps, we will have a perfect looking cake, with a raw center at the end.