Make Relationships Intentional

 

Casually moving into a relationship is like walking into a kitchen and throwing whatever I find into a bowl because I’m hungry right now.

The question is…how do I get into relationships? Do I slide or decide?

In a lecture at Wheatley Institute, Scott Stanley, describes the difference between sliding into a relationship and committing to a relationship. I like to imagine these decisions in a relationship as though I am in the kitchen. For example, I may just walk into the kitchen and start putting together a dessert. I may not look for a recipe. I used a dirty pan because it was already on the counter. Likewise, I turn the oven to a random temperature. This is if I "slide" into the next step because it's convenient, not because it’s right.

I might end up with something edible, but I don't actually know why it worked. When it inevitably tastes off or collapses, you don't know how to fix it because you weren't tracking the ingredients. This is similar to moving in together because little by little you started staying over more nights, or getting married because "we’ve been together five years, and it’s just the next thing to do." You're moving forward by default, not by design.

On the other hand, deciding is like treating your relationship like a complex sourdough. It requires specific conditions to rise. I check the pantry to see if I have the right ingredients needed. I deliberately set the proper temperature for the recipe. Furthermore, I measure the flour because you know that too much makes the result crumbly. Because I made a conscious choice at every step, the outcome is consistent. If the "sourdough" starts to sag, you can look back at your "recipe", such as your shared values and commitments, and identify exactly what needs to be adjusted. This is having the "big" talks before the "big" moves. It’s choosing to be with someone because they align with my vision for the future, not just because they’re there.

So, how can I consciously DECIDE in my relationship?

First, the most important thing that I’ve learned for deciding your relationship is commitment. I’m better able to commit to my husband when we communicate and establish those clear milestones. When we first started dating, we ditched the stage where we had no idea what kind of relationship we had. We communicated that we wanted to jump into our dating relationship. We decided together to commit to each other and to commit our time together.

Second, it’s important to focus on growth. It is completely normal and healthy for relationships to change. If I’m just stagnant and deciding to do or keep what is convenient, then my relationship becomes a thought that is on the back burner. We’re better able to decide together and understand each other as we “refine our flavor”. We are better able to grow and flourish as a couple by deciding to grow individually and as a couple.

I can see the difference in relationships as conflict comes to life. For example, in couples that slide into the relationship, the conflict or bigger issues are ignored until the “smoke alarm” goes off. By this time, it is too late and can cause further issues. However, as couples deliberately decide to emotionally and physically commit to each other, that conflict can be addressed earlier to keep the batter smooth and ready to bake.

I’ve been able to see how I can continue to decide with my husband in our relationship. Although the "slide" feels easier at the moment, the "decide" tastes much better in the long run.